Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Barber

Can I help you?...
Do you cut hair?
I'll have a ham and cheese on rye.
I'm beyond help.
Is Louis in?
Man points to head.
Absolutely!
I'll take a cut.
Who is the best haircutter?
Is Evan in?
I'll wait for one of the guys.
I'll wait for Kristina.
Is Angela in? ( there is NO Angela! )
Do you cut little boys... I have a baby in the car.
Do you take Master Card or Visa?
Can I get a "senior" cut?
I need my car washed.

And my favorite of all...reeking with genuine sarcasm...
Well ( ah duh! ) I am here for a haircut!

Excuse me, Captain Obvious, but I didn't ask
you if you "want" a haircut ( why else would you be here? )

Ahh, time for some fun...
I motion to this fly to come over and sit in my web.
I then net him with a cape ( tight around his stinking neck! )
and prepare him for dinner. The reason I ask you sir,
if "I" can help you, is because some customers like to
wait for a particular haircutter and I never assume.

Now that he is sitting one peg lower in my chair...
the next polite question.

How do you want your hair cut?...
Shorter ( another Captain Obvious ).
A regular with a tapered back.
A crew cut.
Flattop please.
Number 3 on top, triple zero on sides and back.
A skin fade.
All scissor cut.
Regular.
Machine, but not too close.
Cut my hair exactly the way you cut it last time,
my wife really liked it.
Can you just cut the grays? ( fake laugh...like I never
heard that one before ).
Not short, my wife doesn't like it short ( weenie! ).
Well done.
I'd like them all cut ( oh geeeez ).
Johnny would like a number 2 on the sides and back,
scissors on the top and a whip ( you mean a flip lady! ).
Do you use scissors? ( are you for real? ).
Teenager with long hair over his eyes: shorter.
Barber: ( how short? ) Do you want to see?

On baldness...
The classic: Can you take some off the back
and put it on the top? ( gotta love that one! ).
Not much left up there to cut.
Go easy on those hairs up there. ( Mister! Do you really
think this comb-over makes you look younger? ).
And the prize goes to: The migration has begun.
Barber: What do you mean?
My hair has begun to migrate back!

Fellows...God only created some perfect heads...
on the others, he put hair!

Oh no...here he/she comes again...

Please don't sit in my chair, over and over again and
tell me how I cut your hair the best and boast to me
about all your vacations, only to leave me a dollar and
fifty cent tip and than ask me if it's enough!
Did I insult you?

I thank God for all you loyal customers who show
your appreciation for my skilled haircut and friendly
service with your generosity.
( you give me reason to care ).

I am "next best" to your local neighborhood bartender
and much cheaper than your psychiatrist.
Only difference is...

When you leave the bar, you Think that you look good.
When you leave that barber, you DO look good!

6 comments:

Adrian LaRoque said...

Most of the times I do! It depends on the barber!

Vivian said...

You mean you go to different barbers??? oh my! heeehee

This is a soliloquy. I had collected these sayings from customers for about a half a year. Guess you'd have to be a barber to get a kick out of this.

Thank you for stopping by to leave a comment....it is much appreciated, more than you know.

Adrian LaRoque said...

I try my best Vivian. I also understand that a lot of people look at the blogs but they don't leave a comment. Unfortunately we live in a world were we are afraid of one another for many reasons. If I have the time I comment and even when I don't have the time I try. I do follow a lot of blogs, photography for the most and I try all the time to leave a comment. It makes sense to do it, unless off course as I said, for lack of time. I notice something, you are a different king of personality, and for an American woman you seem to be a more easygoing person.
Btw I have two barbers in the same shop, two women, a younger, an older one.
Two very different personalities, so, I try to keep my haircut always the same, believe me it is not an easy task to achieve.

Vivian said...

You try your best and your best is awesome! I too try to leave comments, my problem is I am on 8 different sites....all poetry and writing except for my one snapshots here. I spread myself to thin, but I try.

You too are different....one of the kindest souls I've met in a while.
An American woman? ( great song ) Were you born elsewhere? ( not that it matters )

As far as hair goes....sometimes change is good! : )

Dave said...

Funny stuff... so you have been collecting.

Vivian said...

Oh yes!....every good writer collects....you should never be without pad and pen! ; )