The Barber

Can I help you?...
Do you cut hair?
I'll have a ham and cheese on rye.
I'm beyond help.
Is Louis in?
Man points to head.
Absolutely!
I'll take a cut.
Who is the best haircutter?
Is Evan in?
I'll wait for one of the guys.
I'll wait for Kristina.
Is Angela in? ( there is NO Angela! )
Do you cut little boys... I have a baby in the car.
Do you take Master Card or Visa?
Can I get a "senior" cut?
I need my car washed.

And my favorite of all...reeking with genuine sarcasm...
Well ( ah duh! ) I am here for a haircut!

Excuse me, Captain Obvious, but I didn't ask
you if you "want" a haircut ( why else would you be here? )

Ahh, time for some fun...
I motion to this fly to come over and sit in my web.
I then net him with a cape ( tight around his stinking neck! )
and prepare him for dinner. The reason I ask you sir,
if "I" can help you, is because some customers like to
wait for a particular haircutter and I never assume.

Now that he is sitting one peg lower in my chair...
the next polite question.

How do you want your hair cut?...
Shorter ( another Captain Obvious ).
A regular with a tapered back.
A crew cut.
Flattop please.
Number 3 on top, triple zero on sides and back.
A skin fade.
All scissor cut.
Regular.
Machine, but not too close.
Cut my hair exactly the way you cut it last time,
my wife really liked it.
Can you just cut the grays? ( fake laugh...like I never
heard that one before ).
Not short, my wife doesn't like it short ( weenie! ).
Well done.
I'd like them all cut ( oh geeeez ).
Johnny would like a number 2 on the sides and back,
scissors on the top and a whip ( you mean a flip lady! ).
Do you use scissors? ( are you for real? ).
Teenager with long hair over his eyes: shorter.
Barber: ( how short? ) Do you want to see?

On baldness...
The classic: Can you take some off the back
and put it on the top? ( gotta love that one! ).
Not much left up there to cut.
Go easy on those hairs up there. ( Mister! Do you really
think this comb-over makes you look younger? ).
And the prize goes to: The migration has begun.
Barber: What do you mean?
My hair has begun to migrate back!

Fellows...God only created some perfect heads...
on the others, he put hair!

Oh no...here he/she comes again...

Please don't sit in my chair, over and over again and
tell me how I cut your hair the best and boast to me
about all your vacations, only to leave me a dollar and
fifty cent tip and than ask me if it's enough!
Did I insult you?

I thank God for all you loyal customers who show
your appreciation for my skilled haircut and friendly
service with your generosity.
( you give me reason to care ).

I am "next best" to your local neighborhood bartender
and much cheaper than your psychiatrist.
Only difference is...

When you leave the bar, you Think that you look good.
When you leave that barber, you DO look good!

Poem in D Minor

I've seen, I've heard this play before
two restless souls a fire
Invite, excite, to come explore
to see what will inspire

But star-dust soon will leave the eye
I'm sure you will agree
Another beauty passes by
And then I'm history

Recite to me a ballad free
of broken hearts galore
Don't lust for me on bended knee
For I will cry no more